D'var Torah on Meditation, Cancer, and My Journey to Recovery
by Steven Lewis, October 31, 2009

D’VAR TORAH – LECH L’CHA – October 31, 2009

At Temple Beth Zion

I want to thank Reb Moshe, Rav Claudia, and the entire TBZ community for providing me with an opportunity to celebrate the anniversary of my bar mitzvah.  For 2 reasons, it is so meaningful to me to have this opportunity today.  The first reason is that this is the first time in 43 years since my bar mitzvah that I will be reciting the haftorah for the parshat Lech L’Cha.  Secondly, today I have the opportunity to share with you a mysterious and wondrous journey that began approximately 18 months ago.

Before I share with you this mysterious journey of mine, I need to provide the context for why I focus on a mysterious journey.  This context is rooted in this week’s parshat, Lech L’Cha.  I recently read a short article by Rabbi Mordechai Finley whose article is included in the Modern Men’s Torah Commentary which provides insights for Jewish men for each of the 54 weekly torah portions.  In Rabbi Finley’s article, he references that in the beginning of Lech L’Cha God calls to Abram to go from his land, from his birthplace, and from his father’s house, to a land that God would show him.  God does not name the land and God does not say why Abram must go.  Rabbi Finley references that the Midrashim fill in the details, and they tell us that Abram had thought his way out of the trap of polytheism and idol worship into the apprehension of the One God.  He was told to go physically because he had already left spiritually.  God was commanding him, in essence, to follow his heart out.v

With this reference to Lech L’Cha as context, I will now share my mysterious journey with you.  In February of 2008 I began to periodically attend Sabbath services at TBZ.  I quickly became very comfortable here and felt it was a beautiful “fit” for me in many ways.  Just 6 weeks later a dramatic event occurred that has profoundly changed my life.  On March 28, 2008, after leading an extremely healthy life, I fainted in my bathroom in the middle of the night and threw up a huge volume of blood.  Fortunately, I was rushed to the hospital quickly that night and barely survived.  Between late March and early May I underwent a series of diagnostic tests.  These tests showed initially that I had a huge ulcer, which led to a discovery that I had cancer.  On May 9 I was informed at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute that I had Stage 4 Stomach Cancer.  In almost every respect, my contracting this type of cancer was a statistical anomaly.  Although I made an early decision that I did not want to know the statistics regarding longevity, I eventually unintentionally became aware of the seriousness of the disease.  I learned that, on average, that I would live 2 years.  I also learned that it was rare to ever even get into remission; further, that even if I got into remission, that the cancer would almost for sure reoccur and would be more serious the 2nd time. 

Like most people who experience such a major change in life events, I was in shock for the first 4 weeks.  There were people close in my life who explored the clinical aspects of the disease and I am very grateful to them for their support and dedication to thoroughly research this illness.  For me, I began to deeply explore myself in a more holistic way.  I spoke with family members and many friends about my situation.  I also found a community of people who I knew well but did not know that they were cancer survivors.  From these cancer survivors, the consistent message that I heard was that their psychological and emotional approach to their illness was the driving force leading them to recovery and renewal. 

I began to explore avenues that I had never explored before.  I became deeply involved in meditation and hypnosis.  In my hypnosis, I spoke to my cancer and I spoke to God.  Unlike some cancer patients I know who bargained with God for longevity, I vowed I would never bargain with God to save my life.  What if I did that and died?  Would I then have a right to be angry with God?  After processing my feelings intensely over a long period of time, I looked to God solely for support.  While there were those around me who provided support, I primarily looked deep within my heart and soul to find a place where I could find accountability and eventually peace with how I needed to approach the largest and most serious challenge in my life. 

In my hypnosis I spoke often and very intensively with the cancer and with God.  Over time, it became very clear to me what I had to do to transform myself.  In my daily meditation I did a significant amount of visualization and affirmation of God.  From the Adon Olam, I would recite B’yado Afkid Ruchi, I place my soul within God’s palm; I also recited Adonai Lee V’Lo Ira, God is with me and I am not afraid.  From Psalm 23 I focused on walking thru the valley of death, being anointed with oil, and realizing that the sweet goodness of my soul is eternal.  From Yizkor I embraced the concept that my eternal soul is bound to the souls of people precious to me, regardless of whether they were alive or deceased.  This eventually led to tremendous clarity that I was able to be at peace with myself even if I died; this was so meaningful and compelling to me. 

Over time I realized that I did not have control over whether or not I would die.  What I did have control over was how I would live every moment of my life, whether I lived 6 more months or 40 more years.  I was on chemotherapy for 7 months.  I can honestly say that the great majority of this time period was filled with joy, love, and spirituality.  Every moment and every interaction became precious to me.  I avoided negative or toxic people.  I embraced the lovely people in my life.  I showed tremendous appreciation to the family and friends so dear to me.  I expressed myself deeply to these beautiful people, through praise, thru hugs, and thru expressions of joy and love.  I now view this period of my life as tremendously positive and special.  Over time I realized that there were only 3 important things to me in life.  First, to take care of myself in a holistic way.  Second, to show my love to those close in my life in a consistent and intensive way, and 3) to act as the biggest mensch that I can be – in every moment and with whomever I am with, regardless of their station in life.

Regarding the progression of my illness, very strange things started to happen.  Except for the days that I had chemotherapy, I never missed a day of work.  I continued to diet well, exercise regularly, meditated regular, etc.  Unlike the great majority of cancer patients, I did not lose any more hair – not that I had a great deal of hair to begin with.  Over time, the CT scans showed that the cancer was steadily receding.  On December 12, 2008 I was told by the wonderful oncologists at Dana Farber that I was in remission.  On December 29, just 17 days later which was also the last day of Chanukah the Dana Farber told me that after a review of the original pathology slides, it was accidentally discovered that the cancer I had was not a dire Stage 4 stomach cancer; rather, it was the most highly curable form of cancer.  The type of cancer that I actually had was also a statistical anomaly; further, the heads of 2 oncology departments at the Dana Farber, who had a combined 40 years of oncology experience, said that they had never seen a cancer patient who was rediagnosed from such a dire diagnosis to such a highly curable form of cancer.  They said that it merited being written up in medical journals. 

I have now been in remission for over 10 months.  My health is excellent and is the best it has ever been.  Further, my long-term prognosis is essentially as good as someone who has never had cancer.  Many people tell me that I may now have the blessing of longevity.  I know in my heart that the true blessing is that I now take every moment and every interaction quite seriously.  I shower my family and friends with appreciation and love.  I do not sweat the small stuff at all.  I have made major transformative decisions in my life.  My soul and my heart fuel my passions for what is truly meaningful to me; I have followed the lead of my emotions and passions to go in totally new life directions.  I have become very involved in the TBZ community.  I have become very devoted to 2 meditation groups, one of which is Nishmat Hayyim, the New England Jewish Breath of Life community.  As a general matter, I focus on deeply processing my grounded feelings to propel my actions in life.  I now realize that the best thing that ever happened to me was getting a dire cancer diagnosis as it has led me on this mysterious journey.  While this journey demanded that I delve deeply into the pain of dark spaces in my life, these have been crucial steps in my journey to lead a supremely consciously lived life.  In Rabbi Finley’s article he mentions that as we rise for the amidah we acknowledge God as Magen Avraham, “the shield of Abraham” which is also supplemented by the “help of Sarah”.  When I recite this blessing, I recall the spiritual journey of Abraham who was called to leave his homeland in Lech L’Cha and I link his mysterious journey to my own.

As I continue my special journey in life, I want to acknowledge and deeply thank some organizations and individuals at this time. 

I first want to thank Andy and Susan Rubin who are visiting TBZ this morning in honor of my bar mitzvah anniversary.  Andy and Susan, you are such dear friends who for years have consistently provided friendship, caring, and have always been there when I needed you.  I am so grateful to you.

I want to thank Sheila Katz for being so inspiring to me as she has led Nishmat Hayyim meditations combined with chanting.  Sheila, you have led the meditations and chants with grace and warmth.  You have built an environment in which the participants feel very supported by the meditation community.  Your approach has added a special touch to the many ways I’ve grown through meditation.

I want to thank Jenni Seicol for being so welcoming to me when I first began to come to TBZ.  Jenni, you were the first person to welcome me at shul.  Over time, you nurtured our friendship and always made me feel welcomed and part of the TBZ community. You have always been so caring and sensitive in how you have interacted with me – always ensuring that, as a new person here, that I was accepted and belonged.  I know of a number of other members of TBZ who were also first welcomed by you and have been touched by your sincerity.

I want to thank Allen Spivack who led the TBZ Men’s Group for the group’s first 5 years.  Allen, you are an excellent role model – as a warm and sensitive leader of the Men’s Group – as well as being a real “mensch”.

More than anyone, I want to thank Barbara Johnson who is visiting TBZ today to be with me on this special day.  Barbara, I cannot thank you enough for how much you have helped me grow and transform over the past 18 months.  Your deep caring, your insight, and your bold approach to challenge me to grow and to pursue a path which has led to clarity of purpose and the courage to act on my true core feelings – you have shown me that there are no boundaries to how beautiful life can be.

As far as organizations to recognize, I want to deeply thank Nishmat Hayyim which is one of 2 meditation organizations which I am very involved in.  Meditation has taught me so much – to be extremely patient, to be very compassionate, to be very spiritual, and to be a vehicle for truly processing my feelings.  To experience meditation in a Jewish spiritual realm has been such a blessing.

Lastly, I want to thank from the bottom of my heart the TBZ community.  During a time of great challenge and change for me, TBZ has been a beautiful safe haven for me.  It has been such a wondrous spiritual “fit” for me.  TBZ is such a lovely community of beautiful souls who are so welcoming and inclusive.  I love the ruach, the heartfelt singing, the meditative qualities – I could go on and on with compliments about this beautiful place – it has so touched my heart.  As part of the TBZ community, I also want to thank the Men’s Group which meets every 3rd Shabbat.  It is so meaningful to share deeply with other Jewish men.  I am very blessed.